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हिंदी में पढ़े/ Click here for all the parts
Humiliation
I am still not able to sleep. I am staring at the picture hanging in the room where I am staying in Shikha didi’s home. It’s her picture besides me on her wedding day. We both sisters looked really beautiful and happy that day.
The maxi that Shikha didi gave me to wear is soft and comfortable, and yet I am feeling uneasy. There is something that is bothering me. I know what it is. I haven’t waxed my legs for years. I should ask didi to help me wax my legs in the morning when she wakes up. I know I need to sleep before it gets too late, but all these events from my past are haunting me.
I am remembering a few days later after that fateful day when my own mother decided to make me live as a girl, I was giggling and talking to Shikha didi in her room. She was the only one left in this world with whom I could talk freely, since the day I started living as a girl. I had stopped going out after coming back from my school. I didn’t want people outside my home to look at me in girls’ clothes, and make fun of me, and call me names. That’s why, I decided to stay home, and help my mother Gita do the household work. And whatever time was left, I spent it talking with Shikha didi or studying for my school.
“Madhu, can you run to the Sharmaji’s grocery shop and buy 1 kg onions? We are running out of onions.” That was my mom calling my other sister Madhu. Nowadays, I was scared whenever I would hear her voice. She had been getting angry with me for things beyond my control. I never knew when she would scold me or ask me to do some work.
“Ma, I have an exam tomorrow. Why don’t you send Sonali to the store? She is not doing anything.”, Madhu shouted from her room. “Send Sonali, huh? For god sake, I am Sonu, not Sonali!”, I felt like shouting back, but ended up saying it to myself. I didn’t want to go out of the four walls of this home. Not like this. Not when I am wearing a salwar suit. Everyone would know that it’s me who is in these clothes. There was no chance I could pass as a girl. I had a boyish hairstyle. I walked like a boy. I had a boyish voice. Because I am a boy, damn it! No one would believe I am a girl if I go and talk to the people.
“Sonali!”, there came my mother’s voice. I didn’t want to go out. I had to do something quick or else Gita, my mother, would explode in anger for disobeying her. I looked at Shikha didi. She gently held my hand to convey that she will take care of this.
“Ma, let me go and buy onions for you. I am taking a break from my studies anyway.”, Shikha didi came to my rescue. Just when she was about to get up and leave, Gita entered the room.
“Who did I call here? Did I call you Shikha? Or did I call this lazy ass Sonali?”, Gita was fuming. I trembled in fear.
“But mom…”, Shikha didi tried to intervene. “No but! I want Sonali to go out and buy those damn onions. She is not a princess who would just sit in comfort here!”, Gita was getting angrier.
Sit in comfort like a princess? I had been working all day in the kitchen! My life was worse than that of Cinderella. I was a slave in home, and now I was being forced to slave out as well. As if the humiliation within home was not enough for Gita, she wanted to humiliate me in the external world as well. There were instant tears in my eyes. Shikha didi quickly hugged me, and said to mom, “Ok, Ok! She will go. Give me a few minutes. I promise you that she will go. Why don’t you go outside and wait for us, mom?” Gita stared at both of us, and left the room.
Shikha didi wiped my tears, and pulled my chunni (dupatta, a long scarf worn with salwar) over my head and partially covered my face with it. She smiled at me and said with love, “See, if you hide your face like this, no body will be able to recognize you. Now, we just need to practice talking. You just need to say ‘One kilo onions’ and the shopkeeper will do the rest. And then, hand him the money and come back. Now, practice with me and try to raise the pitch of your voice like a girl.” Shikha didi was so sweet. I practiced saying those words with her for a few times. Though I was sobbing initially, didi made me smile and feel at ease. I felt that the idea of hiding my face with my chunni would work. My voice was not perfect as a girl, but I felt it would pass as it would be coming from an old fashioned woman who hides her face. Shikha didi put on a big round bindi on my forehead, and added a little lipstick to be a little more safe. I hugged her once again. “See there is nothing to be afraid of! Now, go and come back with onions quickly!”, Shikha didi bumped fists with me to cheer me up.
I got out of didi’s room with her, and took money and a bag from Gita. I was ready to go out. Shikha didi had cheered me enough. I covered my face as planned holding one side of chunni with my right hand to hold it over the face, and began to leave home with confidence. But as soon as I came out of the main gate, I saw Kavita, a woman in her 30s, who used to live in the house front of us. She glanced at me once from her house, but then she began noticing me. My legs froze. I began to shake. My face was still partially covered. But did she recognize me? I should have walked away before she recognizes me, but my legs betrayed me. It seemed like an eternity standing there. I was saying to myself, “Walk, Sonu, walk.” But I could not. We both were looking at each other from a distance. I don’t know how long we stared but it was long enough to get her suspicious. Very likely, she didn’t know who I was as my face was covered, but I had been looking at her for so long. And then, she made a move. It seemed Kavita was coming out towards me to see who I was and why I was staring at her.
In that moment, I somehow managed to move my legs. I began to walk towards the shop which was not far from my home. I rushed, and I didn’t look back. I didn’t know if she was going to follow me. Probably, she would just go on with her business, I thought.
I reached the grocery shop. My heart was beating hard due to all this rush. I was tense. And the shopkeeper, Sharma uncle, was looking at me. My face was still partially covered. I was a regular at this shop until a few days ago, so he knew me very well. “What do you want, madam?”, he asked. “Thank god, he didn’t recognize me yet.”, I thought.
All I had to do now was say “one kilo onions”. Just like I practiced with my sister. But I was still catching my breath from all the fast walking. I tried saying it in the high pitch voice, but it came out very meek and almost inaudible. “One kilo onions”, I said again but still inaudible. “Madam, please say it loud. I can’t hear you.”, Sharma uncle said again. His attendant in the shop was waiting for me to say so that he can get me what I want. “One kilo onions.”, I tried again. It was a little louder this time. “Sorry, madam. Will you please speak up loud?”, Sharma uncle was getting irritated. “One kilo onions!”, I almost shouted this time, but it came in my boyish voice. It was barely any different from my regular voice. I shivered with the blunder I just did. It seemed so easy when Shikha didi practiced with me. But that brief encounter with Kavita made it all difficult for me. I was profusely sweating. I wanted to wipe my face with my chunni. But that would expose my face.
My voice must have alerted ears of Sharma uncle due to a familiar sound. He stared at me. I tried to cover my mouth as well with my chunni. “Sonu? Is that you?”, he recognized me from my voice. I wanted to die at that instant. “No.”, I refuted trying to take my chance. But my voice confirmed his doubts once and for all. “What are you doing wearing a salwar like a girl?”, Sharma uncle inquired. I just stood there in shame. Not knowing what to say or do anymore.
As if this situation was not worse enough, I heard another voice of a woman who came and stood next to me. “Sharma ji, give me 250 grams of maida (white flour) please.” That woman was Kavita. She began to notice me from top to bottom. I was still holding my chunni with my hand to cover my face, but my legs were shaking vigorously.
“Hey Kavita. Did you see Sonu is here in a salwar suit?”, Sharma uncle began to laugh. “Oh god! Just make me die now”, I wished that moment. “Oh. Is this Sonu? And I was wondering who this girl was when he came out of the house. She didn’t look like Shikha or Madhu.”, Kavita said and she slightly moved my chunni with her hand. My face was exposed now. The truth was out. Sharma ji and his assistant gave a chuckle with Kavita. “What did you do Sonu?”, Sharma ji asked laughingly.
I felt so embarrassed. I could not take it anymore. And I turned back, and began to run away sobbing. I still tried to cover my face while running. But to my horror, I hit a boy similar to my age riding his bicycle when I was running blindly. He fell on the ground. I stopped for a moment. I knew this guy. I had seen him in my new school. He is a classmate of mine, but I had not spoken to him yet. Our eyes met for an instant. He could not have recognized me in this avatar for sure. So, I just ran away, and he kept looking at me run away.
I quickly rushed to enter the house and began to sob. “Where are the onions?”, Gita asked me. “I … I …”, I could not say anything as I sobbed continuously. “I asked where are the onions?”, my hitler mom repeated her question. Shikha didi came rushing as she saw me sobbing. “Can’t you see Sonu is crying? I will get onions for you.”, she shouted at Gita. “If she wants to live under my roof, she will have to do what I ask.”, Gita said.
I didn’t want Shikha didi to suffer because of my adamant mother. “It’s ok, didi. I will go and get it.”, I said. And I slowly began to go out one step at a time. I had to go through this humiliation once more. But what worse could happen anyway? And as soon as I got out of the door, I saw Sharma uncle at the door. My face was not covered this time. And he noticed tears in my eyes. He got uncomfortable looking at me like that. “Sonu, I got your onions. You can pay me later for it.”, Sharma uncle handed over a small bag in my hands. He seemed really uncomfortable with the situation. “I should go back to the shop soon.”, and he left quickly.
I went inside the home with that bag. Shikha didi came up to me to console me. A few minutes later, Kavita was at our door. She greeted my mother and said, “Namaste. I saw Sonu wearing a salwar suit today. What’s going on with him?” My mother looked at Kavita and replied, “What else do you expect my teenage daughter to wear?” Gita had completely lost her mind. “Daughter?”, Kavita looked puzzled. She very well knew that I was not a daughter. “Do you have anything else to say, Kavita?”, Gita asked her. Her voice was firm and insulting. “No.”, Kavita could not understand what was going on. But Gita’s attitude had conveyed to her that she was not interested in explaining anything to Kavita. She departed quietly.
That was just the beginning of the series of humiliation I was going to face in the coming years.
Exposed
Time appears to go slow when everything seems to be going bad for you. And so was my case. Now that Sharma uncle (the shopkeeper) and Kavita knew the truth about me, it was only a matter of time before everyone else in my neighborhood came to know about me. Although I went to my school as a boy, going out of home had become a source of embarrassment for me. Everyone from young children to boys of my age used to laugh at me and pass derogatory comments on me. The neighbor girls used to giggle looking at me. My mother ensured that my humiliation continued by sending me out as a girl to do other things like buying vegetables.
But there were a few older ladies in the neighborhood who used to pity me. They felt sorry for me, and would scold their kids if they were making fun of me. Soon, our relatives whom we had not seen in years, visited us to convince my mother Gita that what she is doing is wrong. But she would tell them that I had always wanted to be a girl, and that’s why she is making me live as a girl. Of course, not everyone believed her. Those who didn’t, she would insult them and throw out of our house.
My second sister Madhu, who used to hate me because I was the most loved one before, had a wonderful time seeing me suffer. But after a few months, even she softened a lot and started feeling sorry for me. But there was not much she could do to help me. My mother was unstoppable. So, Madhu did what she thought is the best for me in that situation. She began to teach me how to walk and talk like a girl. She began to teach me the mannerisms of a decent girl. My eldest and loving sister Shikha was under constant worry for me. She would try her best to save me from the unreasonable temper of Gita. But Shikha didi was a delicate soul, and Gita knew how to suppress her. Poor didi, I can’t even remember how many times she was reprimanded for supporting me.
None of us could really understand what was going on in Gita’s mind, and why was she doing this to me. Was she really doing this to prevent me from destroying the life of another girl when I grow up, like my father did to her? It did not make any sense. How would I marry any girl if I was living as a girl?
Over a period of one year, my hair had grown longer and came below my shoulders. My appearance had become more feminine because of that, and I could expect to pass as a girl outside. But long hair for a boy in school meant trouble. Yet, Gita somehow managed to convince the teachers that she had prayed for a wish to god, and she wouldn’t cut my hair until that wish is granted. Teachers decided to stay away from any religious reasoning.
At home, my training as a home-maker was almost done. Now, Gita didn’t assist me at all, and I was responsible for everything from cooking to cleaning. Madhu and Shikha didi were prevented from helping me.
With all this going on, my personality had become really meek. I never spoke to anyone in the school. I had no friends. My sisters were my only friends. Accepting my fate, I had now began to enjoy feminine pleasures like wearing a lipstick, or spending time in the market looking for bangles and salwars. We could not afford to buy much, but that didn’t prevent us sisters from visiting several shops. I was slowly becoming natural as a girl. I used to giggle like a girl and had all feminine mannerisms. Except for the school hours, I had really become Sonali, a girl. For Madhu and Shikha didi too, I had become their cute little sister.
However, the lack of social life meant that I started focusing more on my studies. Shikha didi told me that being good at study is my only hope to get out of this hell. Due to my consistent efforts, I had become the second most intelligent student in my class. I tried harder, but no matter what, Chemistry proved to be a challenge for me. My sisters disliked Chemistry so that could not help me with the subject. Going to a tuition class was out of the question due to our financial situation. There was only one person who could probably help me with the subject. He was the topper of our class. Do you know who he was? The same boy who fell down from his bicycle when I was running away from Sharmaji’s shop. There was no way I could see him after the school to get his help. I would never let him or anyone in the school know about the dual life I led. But my fate had something else planned for me.
Does he know me?
Like any other day, I was following my daily routine of washing clothes in the morning. And then, I went to the roof to hang dry the clothes. I was spreading my mother’s saree on a line when I noticed a guy standing across the street with his bicycle. He was Akhil, the topper of my class, the guy who fell from his bicycle because I had hit him while running. The way he was looking at me, it was very clear that he was not there by any chance. He was standing there because he wanted to look at me. Was he spying on me? Did he know the truth about me? There were many questions that came into my mind. Once again in my life, I was scared. I was scared because my school had been the only place where I didn’t face any major humiliation, and if anyone came to know about me there, my school life would become miserable too. Afraid, I hid behind Gita’s hanging saree, and covered my head with my chunni. I peeped a little, and he was still standing there. I had no choice but to put all the remaining clothes to dry. He kept looking at me, but I avoided looking at him back.
“Sonali!!!!”, here came the shrill voice of my mother Gita. She had been growing more and more intolerable day by day. Her voice was so loud was that half the neighborhood could hear it. “Coming, ma”, I replied before that piercing sound comes back again. I was done hanging the clothes, and ran downstairs to see her.
Gita was sitting there on a sofa. She looked at me. I could never believe she is the same mother who used to love me. Because there was no love in her eyes anymore but only contempt.
“What took you so long? Are you done drying the clothes?”, she asked. “Yes, mom”, I replied meekly.
“I want to eat Gobhi (cauliflower) for lunch today. Now, go and get it from the market. You don’t have much time to cook before you go to your school.”, Gita said to me. I looked at the clock. I had two hours to buy, cook and get ready for the school. I would be able to manage that now I was efficient and fast in doing things. I took money from her, and went out. But that’s when I realized that Akhil must be standing outside. I didn’t want to see him. But I had to face the situation. So, I did what I had learnt in the past few months. Go out and do my business ignoring anything what people say to me. I pulled my chunni over my head and walked out. And there he was, standing with his bicycle.
I looked away from him, and started to walk towards the vegetable market which was 5 minutes walk from my home. I knew that he was following me.
“Sonali.”, it was Akhil’s voice. God! Now, he knew my female name. Thanks to my mother who shouted it so loud. I ignored his call and continued to walk. “Hey, Sonali. Listen.”, he said again. I could feel that he must be quite near to me. I didn’t look back.
“Come on, girl. At least say sorry for that accident you caused that day. I hurt my leg that day, you know?”, he said to me. He was now riding his bicycle right next to me. I could not avoid him any longer.
“Get away from my way. I don’t want to talk to you.”, I said. With months of practice, I had become better at feminine voice, because that is the primary voice now I use to communicate with my sisters and mother.
“You know I had been searching for this mysterious girl who hit and run that day. I knew that she was crying that day. I had been coming to this area for several months whenever I could to find that girl, but I never saw her until a week ago.”, he said.
He had been stalking me for so long! I continued to walk trying not to look at him.
“You are a beautiful girl, Sonali.”, he said to me.
Beautiful? How does he know? He hadn’t even seen my face clearly until today. “Go away! Can’t you hear my words, or are you hard of hearing?”, I said like a girl would do to someone who is stalking her. I increased my pace to increase the gap between us. He probably stopped behind me.
“I know who you are, Sonali. I will see you in the school later!”, he shouted from behind me.
“Oh, god! He knows who I am!”, I said to myself. Now, he would tell everyone in the school about me. What should I do? I thought of pleading to him to not to tell anyone. I turned around to speak to him, but he was riding his bicycle away from me. He was gone in a moment. And I remained standing there thinking about what’s going to happen in the school next.
To be continued …
Love is in the air. Stay tuned to know what happened next! And don’t forget to give your ratings for this story!
Image credits: Tanya Rahel
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